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On the last point, no they are usually permissable, but I have been told by some people that they didnt feel so comfortable in it when everyone else was in straight black tie or that more open events encouraged them to explore it I think I fall in the latter category, classic black tie for a few select events where there is a fairly even spread of men and women

And while its important to do your best to find options that make everyone happy, its also important to remember that its your wedding, and you ultimately have the final say